~SATORI~

                                                                  

        I have ears that would not  pay heed to what is to be generally paid attention to but they seem to follow the trails of the noise from all over in complete chaos. But, if one listens carefully, all other noise will automatically drain out and the only sound that would be heard by you would be a sound that attracts you in some way or the other. For me... my ears follow trails of travellers . I am a wanderer too.

            Everyone is a wanderer in their own ways. And, as days pass... I realise strange things .

Sometimes I feel like...as  I am getting close enough to my  centre, the centre would disappear which  leave me bewildered with confusion and chaos. 
And, other times  she felt like she was only a step away or step behind . But, what was the Truth ? !! 


                                                                    * 




The name is K. 
She is a destroyer. 
She is a creator. 
She preferred the latter. 


Neither did she understand the fuss around happiness . 
It is not that she didn't know how to be happy . But, she just cannot FAKE IT. Because, she was okay with the fact that people get sad sometimes and they have good reason to be. So, she stayed aloof most of the time because it was becoming too much work for her to keep explaining everything to everyone . And, that was EXHAUSTING. 


Oh God! 



Thank God!   At least she could thank God for this new day and this beautiful and fresh morning . Birds, tiny birds... dunno their breed...they are chirping too. From the grilled window of her apartment in New Delhi , she could not figure out whether the some-what thick smoke-like thingy in the air was actually fog or was it smoke ? Or, was it just what the locals call it here, SMOG? 


A brand new day ~ what an amazing life ! 


And, frankly : That was January  ( 2017) ! This was really no time to be coping. 


February must be the month where lists should be made. I also made a metal note. A list should work. There's no point in making a fuss about anything. It was best to just take a hot shower, awaken all the senses, take some rest, eat some food and make it a point to get things done, priority wise. DAY~AFTER~DAY. 


She knew the drill too well. 



 She is at the prime of her youth now and for as much as she could recall from her wild teenage years ... she would rather prefer to let them fade away now... forgotten for good in her subconscious. Sometimes, on mornings like these... She felt like a real grown-up, except the truth is nobody truly grows up! But, if on a fresh brand new morning ... if she preferred to let the dead rest and instead look forward to a new future, then won't that feel like a grown-up thingy ?


Ah... she didn't know. And, she couldn't pin-point where exactly it was hurting but somewhere, it did. and she didn't want to feel the pain. She didn't even know what was causing the pain . 


And, all the more reason why she preferred to be left alone most of the time but times have changed. When she was younger ... it was still fun to go out into the night ... explore the city... party with random people , get pissed drunk and club hop entire nights. She remembers coming home at 8.a.m in those mornings without a trace of hangover ! Man, what biology does to you when you grow older. She felt like she would never ever have that kind of stamina again and she mostly hated partying these days. It was no fun. And, she could neither fake happiness nor fun. So, she stays home most of the time when she's not at her B.F's ( Not Boyfriend.) place at Lajpat or at the University. She did not mind going to the University as much as she minds going out clubbing / partying these days. At least, she would do something productive at the University. But, she hated making small talk and pretend to have fun in a sweat club. It could be a fucking night gym or something ! Drunk people everywhere... 


        Sometimes... she would be one of them. She started to hate drinking too. It felt disgusting in her mouth, even beer. Probably, the only drink she would prefer is Wine, a bottle would do just fine ! But, Never drink SULA! It's the worst wine ever juiced by mankind! They shouldn't call it the 'Indian' wine, which is what all these local daroo walla ( liquor shop) people would call it here. It's a disgrace to India. I would know because I have drunk some good, authentic 'Indian' wine, down south  on one of my trips. 
One such wine she remembered was a certain port wine which was dark maroon in colour and sweet to taste. Someone's grandmother from near Fort Kochi had made them and she remembers nothing from that time except that wine ! It was good wine. Thank the grandmother ! She had drunk on a certain New Year's Eve and again, she didn't remember which year it was. 



However, 


Me must declutter our minds. Why should we store every useless , trivial data into our tiny brains ? Thus, she practised "Forgetfulness", effectively I would say. 
She liked details.  She just could not stop when she gets herself into this frenzy. She's tuned out from her surroundings' noise in her background and the very same noise helps her tune in to her own Consciousness. 


Language is a very strange invention. It connects and it disconnects too. How paradoxical ! 


K was really interested in learning Arabic . 

1.) ----Because, she loved the way how Arabic words sound when spoken. 

2.)-----Once, a strange Sufi spoke to her in perfect, fluent and such smooth Arabic to her and she honestly did not understand even a single letter or word, yet, she did not want him to stop! Even though, she got a bit agitated later because she really wanted to understand what the Sufi had said to her . 


She would never know what exact words were spoken to her by the Sufi that night even though... one day... she might learn and hopefully will be able to understand the meaning of Arabic words in the Arabic language. And, the written words too were as beautiful as the spoken because when she would notice or observe the letters ... they looked more like Calligraphy.

               Probably her love for this foreign language were intrigued not only by one thing but she would always find herself in various situations or random events that would , time and again, manage to captivate her attention towards other 'details' that were completely random while speculated in isolation but if brought together , formed a kind of a pattern. And, that is why she would dig deeper and deeper for as much as her curiosity starved her. She was always and constantly hungry for new knowledge because this whole life for her was like a CIRCUS , where it is chaotic, loud, crazy, and sometimes just feels like a 'SHOW'. 

She had a special love for details. However, not every detail. But, what she found intriguing about details or a certain kind of detail was that we are surrounded by them ~ the ones we can see through our naked eyes and the ones we cannot. But, she did not discriminate. They were what always aroused her already starved , curious mind . 

And, if ever the idea of us humans' sole purpose were to just 'live to survive another day', No, she could not. That, was SLAVERY in her Dictionary. 

She believed that , as humans ~ we must not only adapt , survive and not only have all of our basic needs but also, to be able to grow., live, think, communicate, exchange ideas, create ( anything!), procreate ( not necessary), connect , observe, learn, to appreciate all kinds of Knowledge, Learned Knowledge, Practical Knowledge, and to stay fascinated by functionality, structure, core, evolution , a certain 'Moth' and many other intricate details that have, unfortunately, not made it to this brief list. These are some of the things that make up what K's existence of Life has made her experiences . And, without which she would have always felt something incomplete and missing. And, if she were just told everyday , her only job was to wake up, go out, survive and come back and sleep and repeat. I do not want to imagine what her life would be like  and it would be very disturbing to watch an individual like her put in such limited conditioning which would roll out almost in a permanent and most mundane routine... she couldn't imagine living her life where, not even a day of her life would be different and that she could not access her brains to connect to herself so that she could create something out of anything ~ scrapes of paper... if nothing else were available . 



For her, I  reckon , that the attempt to try and connect to herself  by trying to use her brains as they should be put to use is probably her way of trying to survive in a totally unfamiliar environment and no doubt, she would survive  that too but  he would only be able to perform basic functions and not even have a tiny... tiniest thought who would  not come to entertain her... in that  strange new world .. Then certainly, she would've been very very unhappy. 


However, if we change the situation and try and analyse from a different angle ... we might find something close to some kind of a satisfactory truth. Therefore, if we alter that situation into putting K only and only in the world ?(not her original world) where, all had a sole goal which was just to 'survive' but in this new situation... what if, we hypothetically assume that K has no clue of her original world of her true existence but was really born in the first world where brain activities were much lesser. Then, the whole situation about K having a very hard time adapting to such different environment wouldn't be the case. Provided, K also has to have the same brain structure that the native species of that world has. Then only, she could still be happy. Because, she would also do what the rest of that world did everyday because for them, that's normal. Yes, even mundane routine. But, if the question was about survival ? Yes, K would be able to adapt in both these worlds. Possible. But, if the question is about happiness, then everything changes. Because, was observed two situations here and we deducted possible outcomes using logic as a base of reason, which should turn out more accurately because we tend to be more easily influenced by emotions than logical reasoning to an extent that we might not be credible enough because we would have imbalance because we would judge things in an unfairly manner because emotions can make us certain highs and lows; which will result in an in objective calculation and misjudgement . Whereas, our logical brains are more reliable compared to our emotional side because this area is an expert in problem-solving which is carried by our cognitive department. Therefore, less chances of unbiased observation while studying anything?something.


              Thus, we - as a differently evolved humans have different cognitive and other psychological functions than a different type of homo sapiens, whose working of the brains may vary vastly. And, this gap between the evolution of these two different types of beings may be able to help us understand the problem better and we could attempt to understand their differences so that we could come to a close over this discussion because this has stretched more than it should've ! 
K didn't mind it but she would rather talk about something else. Because, the thought of her being sent into such a different world from the one she lives in (currently) was too scary to think and dwell on that for too long for a discussion! She felt as if ... she has already spent half her life in that world she never even wanted to check out, let alone live ... even only through that prolonged discussion. 




Of course. 


When threatened ... our first impulse as humans is to defend ourselves from potential harm. It is our reflexes. And, K was doing just that. Nevertheless, K was happy only about one thing from that awful and gruesome discussion was that we (humans) could be happy only if we provide ourselves a well-maintained environment that would suit us differently ~ which is tricky, isn't it ? 

But, in the case of surviving... that, we could do in much different worlds than ours, yet, we would be deprived  of happiness. And, for this ~ she was finally able to appreciate something today for the first time today! That felt good. This also showed her how much we take everything for granted. Of course, this doesn't mean that we must carry the world on our shoulders but this was a good reminder for her because she stays in her own head too much ! It wasn't healthy. That's why, when this reminder was made... she zoomed in from the larger picture, while, being pulled back into her real state of physical existence, where, she was well-adabped and most familiar with. Thus, the reminder not only brought her back to the real world (where her physical body needs to stay in sync with her Consciousness so that she remembers and recognises which world out of many that are there was the real world. A much as she dreaded the discussion, she didn't even realise that she had gone in so deep into her Consciousness that she became COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS, and that oblivion was broken only by that reminder that came to surface as a  result of a kind of a new knowledge attained that was used to further decode. It hit her with a sense of familiarity, after which, she was brought back to her real world of existence ( both, physical and mental). 


I wonder what would've happened if that reminder didn't occur ? 

Gosh !  

This was the reason why details were very ,such important to K. These details are random objects and things that she captures through the lens of her naked eyes. And, these are tangible things. Once can see them, touch them, feel them and use force or motion with them. They might be inanimate or animate. They may be a non-living thing or a living thing. Sometimes, it can be the minutest particle of a dust speck or a colourful piece of a bathroom tile. It doesn't matter. Details exist in our world in innumerable figures and we won't be able to count each and every thing that exist on our planet. 


But... coming back to the point ~ these details are what connected K to her physical world and it was vital that she stay connected and zone out less because she would it would be very unfortunate she were to be deprived of the very earth that gave her everything. 


It sustains her. 


To smell...  hear... touch ... feel... think... and  speak ... which were the most random activities that we need in order to survive on this planet and be content.  We are so used to it all that these privileges ... such vital functions... we take for granted , like we do , everything else. It is impossible to retain everything ~ all the knowledge, information, memories, ideas and all the learned skills in our minds. Because, we have got to make space , so that, only the things that are most important , accordingly are fitted and stored in our brains. Otherwise, our brains are what make us and enable us to function the way we should and use advantages that have been naturally provided for us. Because, we are the lucky ones ... whose brains are much evolved than the primates, whose brains' functions limited them and performed simple tasks such as hunting and serving. Of course, we all came from the same source. However, the present-day homo sapiens are  more evolved (in our brains). Because of such unique transformations that happened as a result of this process of Evolution. 


There ! 

K !!! 

Actually, she felt that perhaps that discussion wasn't that bad, after all! Discussions always manage to tickle different sides of our minds, isn't it? But.. of course.. K went too deep into the other dimension thats he even experienced real fear and irritation because while actually putting herself in such a world to try and understand a given situation... she got stuck there ! And because... reasoning kicked in... a little later ... but for that immeasurable time period... she had drifted ... for real !!! She completely forgot about her entire existence !!! including her own body !!! Now, K felt that staying all aloof and isolating the self from her entire Existence was not such a good idea. Thank God, for her logical brains !!! 

Like everything else , even the way how her brains work are being taken for granted but in her oblivion , she is basically unaware of how she behaves. She would be engrossed with some thought or if she found a detail to distract her from her own thoughts. She would've zoned out just the way she did during the discussion and there was no one else but her in her house. But, in her mind ~ She wasn't alone. She could even have that discussion because she was reasoning and analysing, within her own mind with another voice. This voice would later come to her rescue because she was so affected by the discussion that she forgot everything for a brief moment even when her body was still very much intact with her brains and the rest of her real world of Existence, that is the Earth within the Universe. The craziest thing was that she also forgot for that briefest moments who she was... that she was K.. who is a homo sapiens from the planet, Earth  where she was born and raised and where she went to schools and Universities and that she currently lived in New Delhi, India and it was K too who were writing all of these words, yet, that discussion somehow impacted her to such a level that she got emotional and in her state of fear and shock, that occurred as a reaction to the hypothetical theories and hypothetical state of made-up state of existence (intangible too ). They were constructed so that the discussion could turn out fruitful. But, this was framed by her logical brain. K's logical brain and her emotional brain became distinctly separated because of the difference of opinion and a conflict of interest that while, her cognitive and reasoning part only was (of course) logical enough to remember exactly where she was but her emotional brain couldn't take it. That particular scenario was too disturbing for her that she literally forgot that this all was happening inside her hear only! She was in such a state of shock that she even started to argue louder with her own cognitive side. And, even then, she was still treating that logical voice as an entirely different entity, against whom she was trying to argue with in defence of her original beliefs but it's really shocking for her ~ this discovery. 



Today, through this experience ... I also K discovered for the very first time that I have not one but two very distinct voices inside my head !!!!! 

And, I reckon I do understand this roughly... even though I cannot absolutely claim this to be true because I need more research. 

But... whatever.. it is ... I am sure of one thing out of all these things that if the logical brain didn't act quick enough and did not come to rescue K ... I don't know if I would even be writing this right now... 

Would've I lost myself completely ? 

What if I remained in that unreal, made-up world, which was intangible projections of visual messages that I was clearly believing it to be real because my emotions took control of me completely and I became so sad and disturbed (even for that brief moment) and because I became that emotionally 'blinded' that I had even started to fight with my own self ! I assumed it for someone else, who, I also assumed was trying to harm me and was obliging me to stay in that world which was only a fragment of my own thoughts. I was fear-stricken to that extent that fear blocked all pathways. The logical brain , perhaps, knew that and which was precisely why she came up with something smart enough int he form of an argument that would be taken notice by K's emotional brain so that her myth would automatically shatter because a new truth would've come unto the surface. 

Of course K's emotional brain was smart too but the situation that happened just is very frankly letting us know that... the logical brain ... after it sensed trouble because now the emotional brain was in a state of panic. Being the 'feel' brain , it even forgot her own real existence because of the shock. It must have been brief. Wouldn't know. 

And, the logical brain was smart enough to know what exactly had happened to the emotional brain as an effect of their discussion. The logical brain could not inform her that she was only in an illusion, which was only a made-up scene borrowed from the past records. But, I guess the logical brain did the right thing by wisely engaging the emotional brain firstly, bringing her back to the discussion with her counter attack argument. And, it worked !! The counter attack argument shattered the built-up myth around that made-up illusion that naturally made sense to the emotional brain and that counter-attack argument was vital in bringing the shocked emotional brain to its calm and composed state. Because that myth, which earlier was believed to be real by the emotional brain had to shatter right in front of her and that it did as a reaction caused by the counter-attack argument posed by the logical brain. And, after the myth had shattered right in front of her where she was sitting in that illusion... and then... as soon as the myth broke, she 'suddenly' snapped out of that fake world which does not actually exist for real ;as in ; like her real present existence was Earth and that's where she lives and which she must not ever forget ! It is the nature of the emotional part that cannot see logic in scenarios like that, where, she was really shocked that she forgot that she, of course, is not from that dimension at all ! How was this possible ?! 


                    Her senses retired because , after the myth shatters... there was something in that counter-attack argument that clicked her somewhere and all of a 'sudden' again... her memories came flooding back ( remembering of where she really was ) to her and she literally felt that journey and witnessed it happening and this is the first time that something of this sort has occurred to her and just that whole experience was felt through. And, I am sure even now... the logical brain is taking control. Otherwise, this recent discovery might shock the emotional side again. But, now that she's been made aware... I reckon that she would remember this experience for all the days of her life. 


I mean! 

C'mon ! 


I was just bored as I started to write a story like I always do... And, somehow that discussion took place out of all kinds of topic and all of the strangeness happened because she went into shock . And now, she has discovered that two distinct sides rule her entire brains. All her life, she just knew only the basic stuff such as the fact that the brains are the prime organs in our body . And, it's because the brains function properly that we are able to function like we are supposed to. And, I am also aware that the brain is the most complex organ in our human body. And, there are many hemispheres on all sides of the brains that manages the different, unique functions that have been designed marvellously to work to perfection. And, I have read about 'Goldmund and Narcissus' ( a fiction book about the the logical brain and the emotional brain ) but I foolishly assumed that even though they are being sub-typed, they still exist as one whole entity. 

Yet, today is the only day I've discovered something like this with definite clarity and today was the first time ever, that I actually was demonstrated how these two complete different individual like beings work together harmoniously enough to not let that part of my Consciousness know that they are actually very distinct. They are so distinct that K is just so surprised! It's crazy incredible ! She cannot just believe what happened inside that locked illusionary room (which must have been temporarily halted at because its existence was only relevant as long as it was being treated like it was real. And, even though the logical part knew this well and from the start of the discussion, treated it like a hypothesis only. But, it stayed longer than it should've because the emotional part of the brain got stuck somewhere in K's brains and how would she have ever come out of that illusion when she, herself, was trapped there by the panic and shock . And, that panic and shock did not let her be her real, calm self. She only remembers feeling very, very uncomfortable by the idea of not having any access to her brains, which is exactly what she went into ! Because , she believed that hypothesis and took it literally, and her visual imagination was so active and powerful that each thought that she believed to be really true was being built on... side-by-side while the logical brain continued to provide more content to support her own logic and reason by posing questions that definitely made the emotional brain think. But, as a creative being... her mind's visuals synced in automatically with her emotion brain, also simultaneously had started to create visual illusions of these discussion's scenarios and such and all was fun and games until the logical brain challenged the emotional brain into a definite argument, which was actually a hypothetical situation constructed by the logical brain for the emotional brain so that the discussion was properly conducted. And, both the sides of K's brains were so deeply engaged with each other that all these distinct characteristics between the emotional brain and the logical brain all came out in the open, clean. 

Through this discussion, each side argued their best but it got that intense that the emotional brain panicked because that's how it is with the emotional brain. We cannot take rational decisions because we would become extremely empathetic, even towards a hypothetical situation; which is exactly what happened with K's emotional brain during the discussion. And, this happened because of a reason. K's emotional brain did not just go into a state of shock just like that or because it has anything to do with empathy. Of course, it was empathetic too. But, the real reason why shock and fear were experienced by the emotional brain because the logical brain actually, nearly won the argument because it managed to prove its point. But, logical brain being logical forgot that ... what situation she had only hypothetically created to prove her argument, in turn convinced the emotional brain and that way, the logical brain had conquered the argument.But, in the end of the day... they are like twin sisters. Because, the logical brain wasn't trying to harm her sister. It was just, somehow, this discussion and the manner in which it happened and how the very nature of that debate, for the first time naturally exposed both the logical brain and the emotional brain for what they really are ! 


             Of course, they were just really into the discussion, like their survival depended upon it but there's something to be noticed here. Both sides didn't give up and argued passionately. And, somehow when the discussion took this unexpected turn that the logical brain took control of the ship because the logical brain knew she had to keep their ship from capsizing otherwise it would've become serious trouble. After all, this was something very random and spontaneous. And, all that occurred was a reaction of their activities and exchange. But, the emotional brain with her perfectly constructed discussion site, was so disturbed that she wouldn't have any of it and she was just so sad because she could not bear the idea that she would be made to live like the primate man whose functions were limited to an extent that their purpose of existence were to survive and learn how to survive. This was way back. And, she automatically imagined vividly all those hypothetical construction of that situation where at first , she was leisurely exploring and counter-attacking her twin. As the discussion grew more serious, instead of arguing back... she started to empathise completely with the hypothetical situation , which were so well built around her and because she emerged herself completely as if she was living in that hypothetical world and she being from a completely more evolved and a different dimension too. She could not fathom living like that, for, she grew so sad because she was being completely shifted to an unknown and an unfamiliar world where she didn't willingly go.

           Somewhere along this experience... K ... for the first time... came face-to-face with her logical brain which she saw clearly in present taking control of the entire situation and taking over the ship to prevent it from capsizing. And finally... awoke she... liberated from lies and fake projections of false imaginations.... bringing her clarity and teaching her something new. 


This is the story of K. Of me. An ordinary girl from an ordinary town. Whose mind shows her extraordinary things... even through the most ordinary activities. K let go of fear. Nevertheless... it is a regular fight because fear will surround her like darkness but Light is there... that Light is within us and it guides us home. 



                                                             It is the most natural thing there is, like everything else that is in this Universe. The 'Yin' and the 'Yang'. They are equally important. They cannot do one without the other. 


                                                                            ~Fin~